10 things never to say to a woman expecting twins

If you’re expecting twins you’ve no doubt had rather a lot of attention so far in your pregnancy.

Having any baby is exciting. Finding out you’re having twins is a bit nuts, let’s just say, it can go either way. Most people are over the moon. Some people aren’t. Others need a little longer to get used to the idea. Exciting wasn’t exactly the first word that came to my mind. Four letter words accompanied by mildly hysterical giggling then uncontrollable crying in the hospital loo was pretty much the way I did it. (Have a read about the day we found out it was twins here)

I’m probably in the minority though. Most twin mums are all about ‘double the love’ and feeling ‘blessed’. Shocked as you maybe to read, (or not) that’s just not me…

Twins? Thanks but no thanks

I’ve written before how twins weren’t exactly on my agenda, and I’m honest enough to openly say – thanks very much, but no thanks. I’ll pass on the twin thing, if it’s all the same to you.

But obviously life doesn’t work like that and due to some kind of weird fate (and mainly the fact I was 37 and my stupid ageing body was firing out eggs all over the sodding place thanks to Mother Nature) this was where we were. Having twins two days before your toddler’s second birthday. Just perfect (that was sarcastic btw).

So you’re pregnant with twins. It’s a pretty amazing thing when you actually think about it.

What is NOT amazing are the comments you get from people EVERYWHERE you go. They could be from complete strangers or even your mates. Either way, you will be fed up beyond belief by the end of your pregnancy.

Was it planned?

What the actual f*ck?? It still amazes me to this day that people were thick enough to ask me this. The last time I looked, you can’t PLAN to have twins. It’s not like ordering two crispy spring rolls at the Chinese takeaway because you fancy ‘getting it out the way’ in one go. Admittedly IVF is slightly different and there could be more chance of having twins so might not be so shocking, but seriously people! And FYI, no I did not PLAN to have twins.

You’re massive!

Yeah thanks for that. What a compliment, not. I had this A LOT. And I honestly think people were trying to be kind and complimentary in some weird sort of way. Maybe some pregnant people like to have a big bump to chat about. This was not me. I felt self-conscious enough as it was, I didn’t need to be reminded every day of the week – and quite often by friends. I was pregnant until 38 weeks. For those who don’t know, that’s classed as overdue for twins. My boys were 7lb 1.5oz and 7lb 8.5oz. I had TWO SEVEN POUND BABIES in there. Let me just repeat that again. TWO SEVEN POUND BABIES. Plus two placentas, and double all the rest of the gubbings. Let’s just think about that for a moment. Of course I was f*cking massive. Now can we pleeeease stop going on about it. (And in case you’re wondering this pic is me 38 weeks pregnant the day I went to hospital, and the twins 38 weeks old – kinda cool.)

Rather you than me!

This is a controversial one. Most twin mums are offended by this. And I totally get why. Why wouldn’t you want ‘double the love, double the cuddles, double the fun’? Mmm, maybe because you also get ‘double the shitty nappies, double the screaming and double the sleepless nights’. When someone said this to me, I actually agreed with them. (Throw me out of the twin mummy brigade now!)

Do you have twins in your family?

If I had twins in my family, would I seriously be looking utterly shell shocked? Really???

I had a pretty rough pregnancy too

Yes I know everyone has different pregnancies, I’m being cheeky. But unless you were in hospital on a drip for hyperemesis gravidarum, I’m unlikely to be the sympathetic ear you’re after. Remember that whole double the babies thing? Well that means double the bad side of pregnancy too (nobody mention the piles or constipation – but if you’re REALLY nosey you can read about my oversharing here). Of COURSE I know, it’s not a competition. I’m joking. But just in case it WAS – a twin mum would win, okay. Don’t even bother trying to out-do her. Same as a triplet mum would wipe the floor with a twin mum. Those mums are beyond hardcore in my opinion.

You’ve not got long left by the looks of things

A cashier at Sainsburys said this to me when I was just six months pregnant. I looked like I was about to drop and still had potentially three months left. Don’t say it people! Not only because you can make a self-conscious person feel worse, but also with twins and multiples, it’s all so bloody risky and there’s such a high chance of prematurity, the mum is DYING to be ready to drop – but at 37 weeks when they are hopefully healthy. Don’t remind us we’ve still got another three months to cling onto them when it’s totally out of control and all a bit scary. It’s an ’emotional rollercoaster’ (read about how my hospital consultant frightened the life out of me here) if ever there was one, don’t make it worse! 

Good luck getting them out!

This one always made me chuckle and squirm in equal measures. In the early days of my twin pregnancy I just assumed most twins were born by C-Section. But turns out that’s not so in Plymouth, where I am. If they’re in the right position, you’re good to push as far as the consultants here are concerned. So once I learned this at around 16 weeks, this comment made me tense (particularly down below!) even more. Especially the longer it went on and the bigger they got. In the end I did push them out, and it ended up being easier than pushing out my singleton. (Administration of hardcore drugs is a beautiful thing – if you don’t believe me read this)

You’re never going to sleep again

CORRECT. 19 months on and we still don’t sleep all night. And I don’t want to talk about it, okaaaaay??

That’s going to be expensive

No. Shit. Sherlock. The amount of McDonald’s fries I ate during pregnancy should have been an indicator of how much money I’d be shelling out with this whole twin thing. Luckily they have hand-me-downs from their older brother, and one of my best mates feels sorry for me and gives me her pre-schooler’s old clothes. But shit the bed, if the amount of cash we spent on nappies and formula in the first year is anything to go by, they’re right – this IS going to be expensive! No need to point out the obvious to us whilst we’re pregnant though. We’ll soon figure it out for ourselves. Within the first week probably.

You’re going to have your hands full

Said universally to every twin mum, but said with even more oomph whilst you’re stood at the park with your 20 month old toddler screaming because he can’t reach the climbing frame. Get used to it, this is what you’ll hear 158 times a day every day of the week once they’re here. Just nod politely, agree and try not to think about it too much. You don’t need to know the truth just yet. Make an even speedier escape if they start telling you that their cousin’s neighbour’s half sister’s daughter had twins. You get that a lot. Every man and his dog suddenly knows someone who had twins and wants to tell you about it. Who cares about everyone else’s twins? You’ve got your own on the way to deal with. Oh and I hate to break it to you, but once the twins are here, there’ll be no ‘nipping’ anywhere ever again, as I’ve written about here.

So there you have it, a cheeky little list of what to expect when you’re pregnant with twins. Are you a twin mum? What did people say to you when you were pregnant?